I was visited last night in my sleep by Adam Duritz, lead singer of the Counting Crows. He was crooning verses from their song “Long December.”
A long December and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Now the days go by so fast
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters
But no pearls
A lot of oysters but no pearls. Yes, I feel that way a lot. I keep waiting for something to knock me out of my lethargy and light a fire under my ass. But as I’ve said before, I’m the only one who can do that. Waiting is futile. Hanging in there has done nothing but leave me hanging. Perhaps there is something else in those lyrics that I can learn from: “If you think that I could be forgiven/I wish you would.”
Maybe I need to forgive myself for the mistakes of my past and the things outside my control. I may have been berating myself, hoping to make myself a better person. But I don’t think it works that way; it certainly hasn’t for me. The berating has only diminished my capacity to feel loving toward myself. The criticism kept me stuck in a place where I was unhappy and unfulfilled. There is no reason to remain there anymore. There is nothing that requires my continued punishment and repentance. The only one asking for my head on a pike is that mean-spirited voice who always tries to run my life, and that fucker is never on my side.
It all comes down to me. It all comes down to forgiveness.
If I want a life that speaks to me, a life that sings, I have to forgive my ignorance and blindness. I must realize that in particular circumstances, I wasn’t evolved enough to make smarter, self-loving choices. I was doing the best I could with the skill set I had. More often than not, my toolbox was lacking essential components that I needed to help myself. I was lost, trying to find my way without a map or a GPS.
Now I am looking for the pearls. I may have to work through many oysters to find them, but I know they exist. I am not only my past and my fuck-ups; I am my present and the future. I am a compassionate and passionate person. I am a creative force for good. I am the reason I’m still here, despite all the tragedy and grief. I am also the reason that I will find other ways to interact with myself and the world. If something isn’t working, then I can change it. I must point my compass in a new direction if I want to reach a different destination.